How to raise a child in a million + small steps

I'm afraid that I'm not very full of momivation today.

Being a parent is hard. Everyone always talks about how having a baby changes your life. And, it does. But, no one talks about how having a toddler changes your life. Or, how having two kids changes your life. Or, how having two toddlers changes your life. Or, a teenager for God's sake. I can't even imagine.

Once the sleep deprivation has faded, the formula has been permanently put away and the diapers are given to Goodwill, you're just left with more uncertainty. There's a million ways to raise a kid. How are you to know that you are doing it the right way? It's amazing how I thought that my parents knew everything when I was growing up, or at least that they knew better than me. Judging on my experiences so far as a parent, it's dealer's choice around these parts.

I keep thinking that I'll just know what to do when the next milestone comes. I mean, I'll have to do something, say something, or otherwise react. I just can't guarantee that it'll be the right way. Does it really matter if it isn't the right reaction every single time? Will it matter if they see my inexperience or lack of clarity? I remember being pretty self absorbed. Maybe they won't even notice.

At what age do the choices that your parents make for you start to have the potential of messing you up later in life? And once you reach that age, aren't you pretty much making your own decisions anyway? So, who's to blame for the subsequent fallout?

Maybe I'm just trying to pass the buck.

Did you drink the Kool-Aid?

I hear an awful lot about "positive parenting" and "conscious discipline" these days. What's the deal with that?

I mean, I get it. Be the best parent you can be to your kids and try not to screw them up too much. I'm on board with that. But, it's a theory.

Let me say that again, it's a theory.

Our parents had Dr. Spock and maybe even Dr. Sears depending on how old you are. Now we have an overload of judgement and "guidance" from books, the internet, parenting groups and everywhere else we turn. Not only are we encouraged to empower our children and communicate with empathy and patience, we also have to cook homemade organic and healthy meals, participate in educational one-on-one learning activities and keep TV viewing minimal. Oh, and did I mention provide food, shelter, love and the rest of the basics?

Yeah. OK. That's realistic.

Anyway, back to positive parenting. I agree with the concepts in theory - teaching children to name their emotions, encouraging choices, using empathy to connect with your children and choosing intrinsic motivation instead of rewards.

This is a lot harder than it sounds. In practice, with an eighteen-month old sitting in your lap while your throws balls at the TV and dangles your (plugged in) iPhone in the dog water bowl, it is pretty damn tough to use empathy and patience.

My problem with positive parenting isn't really the concepts, it's the followers. The term, "followers," was intentionally used - it's like a cult. Or more accurately, followers are like those religious people that are sure that what they believe is right and that everyone else is a fool for not embracing it. With that comes a lot of judgement. Maybe it's just a fundamental difference in parenting (and living?) styles. I subscribe to the "live and let live" approach and I think that positive parenting followers often think that it is their responsibility to use every opportunity to teach other parents the proper way of parenting. It's truly disappointing.

And so, I'm back to Dr. Spock...
And of course, Bill Cosby (because who doesn't need humor in parenting?)...

The more people have studied different methods of bringing up children, the more they have come to the conclusion that what good mothers and fathers instinctively feel like doing for their babies is the best after all.

- Benjamin Spock

In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.

- Bill Cosby

Goose

So, we had a birthday. Not just a birthday party. Not just a birthday. An entire birthday weekend. Now, we are slowly rebounding from all the sugar and the excessive Grandma-spoiling.  There was a lot of, "Can I play with Grandma's iPad?" heard this weekend. A lot.

We had an art party for my three-year old's birthday. Ten kids and sixteen adults crammed into a small space rife with stereotypes. There was the kid that was probably (still) sick, that was quiet, limp and barely ate his lovingly homemade cupcake. There was the attention-seeking only child who yelled the loudest, jumped the highest (and most) and insisted on doing everything first - even before the birthday girl. There was the childless friend from high school who came with his pregnant wife (first pregnancy). They stayed for the cupcakes, but then got the hell out of Dodge (can you blame them?).

My daughter, "Goose," got her first Barbie. And, she actually got three of them. Though, my husband insists that the one that he chose is a Disney princess action figure. She cried not once, but twice at her party - when her friends sang, "Happy Birthday." She had her first ice cream cake. She had McDonalds for her birthday dinner (don't judge me).

Needless to say, I was a little busy playing the part of Martha Stewart-positive parenting-SuperMom.

There was a lot of empty wine bottles for the recycling crew to pick up this morning.

Oh Shit

There seems to always be new things to disagree about as parents (especially relatively new parents). I mean, most people agree about whether or not they want kids before they get married, or in some cases which faith they will choose to raise their kids in. But we never talked about spanking or circumcision or anything like that until the stick turned blue. Then we had our "oh shit" moment, when we realized that we had no idea what we were doing. And whatever ideas we have probably don't jive with the other person's. Like I said, "oh shit."

So, my personal momivation today is to choose your battles.

Your three year old wants to dip carrots in ketchup?
Fine.

You're stuck in traffic listening to Little Einstein on repeat?
Whatever.

Your husband doesn't back you up during an epic meltdown, giving in to his little princess?
Oh, hell no. That is where I draw the line. That's one battle, I'm all over.

Some days you just need some momivation

Anyone who has kids will tell you that there are those days. 

You know the ones I mean, where the seemingly endless meltdowns make it feel like 5:00 pm just can't come soon enough. Or, maybe got pooped on one too many times. Have you showered this week? Are you wearing mismatched socks with spit up (or poop or milk or crusty Cheerios) petrified on your shirt? Are your kids shoes on the wrong feet?

These are the days that you need momivation. That's right, it's a made-up word that I just said and made it exist. It's more than just regular motivation, it's momivation. What I will bring to this page is based on my mood. Scary, I know. But, it could be a cheesy quote or something that one of my kids said, or song lyrics, or movie quotes, or I could just rant about the fight I had over breakfast with my husband. The choice is mine (sorry, but it's my blog, so you'll have to indulge me here!). 

Dealer's choice, so to speak. 

I'll try to post everyday, but I'm not promising anything. Hell, momivated moms know that if they can get to anything more than once a week it's a victory. 

So, see you tomorrow! 

Now go clean that spit up off your shirt.